I wonder if St. Patrick got drunk and sang along to Queen.

I was very excited to go out for St. Patrick's Day yesterday. I'm not Irish, but I do appreciate alcohol. I think that's all that's required in order to participate. And something about potato famine and civil war, but I don't know. I'm not a historian.*

Mostly though, it was my first St. Paddy's Day that I could go out to the bars like the rest of the drunkards. I was determined to make it a night to remember. And in many ways, it was.

My night ended up being a series of epic wins and epic fails and ended in my driving home sobbing while listening to classical music. Epic fail. Thus, I present to you my St. Paddy's Day re-cap.

Win
I felt pretty confident on my way out to pre-game at a friend's house. I found this awesome vest that I was pretty psyched to wear.

Fail
As soon as I got to my friend's house, I spilled Rolling Rock all over the vest.
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Win
I have a co-worker who does security at the bar we were going to go to. It was very crowded, since it was A.) an Irish themed pub, B.) right next to the state university and C.) it is common knowledge college kids will do almost anything to get shitfaced and not remember their own names. However, my co-worker said he could get myself and my friends in no matter how busy. Score!

Fail
We ended up going to another, still just as crowded bar where I couldn't flaunt my street cred. Although this turned out to be a win in the end.
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Win
We had to park super far away and I had to pee like nobody's business (seriously, it's none of your beeswax what goes on between me and my lady parts). You might think this should be in the "fail" category, but we stopped at a closer bar on the way to the other bar where the rest of our friends were to "use the restroom", and by that I mean we stopped to drink some green beer. Green beer, I should mention, that I didn't have to pay for.

Fail
After chugging my third glass of green beer, I felt my tummy do the "uh-oh, I think you might be puking at the end of the night" dance. I penciled in an appointment with Dr. Porcelain and his assistant, the bathroom floor.
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Win
I only paid for one drink the entire night. My friends were awesome and bought me the majority of what I consumed.

Fail
I eventually ended up on the dark side. I had a very intense conversation with a friend about how much I want to drive into the sunset because it would be neat and there's the off chance I might catch on fire.
KV: I think catching on fire would end most of my problems.
Friend: Yeah, except you'd be on fire.
KV: I guess you're right. I didn't think about that.
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Win
While waiting in the line to get drinks (for fifteen minutes! Christ!), a cute boy with green suspenders, a green t-shirt and a green top hat turns around to chat.
"Be honest," he says. "Is this ensemble too much?"
I instantly think yes, but it takes a man with rather large cojones to both wear suspenders over a t-shirt and say the word "ensemble" with a straight face. Also he is cute and I have been drinking and everyone knows that means I instantly wanted to make out with his face.
"No," I respond. "I think the suspenders add a certain amount of awesome while the hat says 'I'm Irish but not a dick about it'."
Did it make sense? No. Did the boy laugh? Yes.

Fail
The boy turned back to his group of friends and nuzzled up next to another gentleman. Damn.
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Win
I met some friends of a friend who turned out to be hilarious, awesome people.
This exchange happened:
Boy: Hey, my name is Casey.
KV: I'm KV.
Casey: KV, that's a rad name.

Fail
The rest of the exchange went like this:
KV: Thanks! After Hurricane Katrina, every new person I met asked how I felt about it because my name so closely resembles Katrina.
Casey: That's weird.
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Win
On the drive home, one of the new people I had met requested a sing-along.
"Let's listen to something by Queen or Selena!" she said. I think I told her I loved her.

Fail
I was so schwasted I botched most of the words to "Bidi Bidi Bom Bom". Seconds later, my Mexican card was revoked.
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Win
On the way home we stopped at Del Taco to get some food. If your night of drinking doesn't end with Mexican food, then you're doing something wrong.

Fail
After my friend had dropped everyone off, I started crying and telling her how much I hate my life. I was so anxious to get out of her car, get away from everyone and drive home that I forgot to grab my food from her.
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Win
I started the beginning of the night excited and optimistic, wearing awesome green jewelry and a sweet vest.


Taken super sneakily at the bank.

Fail
Like I mentioned, there was the business on the way home with the sobbing and the Bach. I came home, took off my pants, sent some mean text messages to some friends and called it a night. I woke up like I do most other mornings: having to pee and listening to my dog clawing at the door. Also I looked like someone put me through a trash compactor and smothered me in failure.


Nothing says I'm a winner in life like an oversized Rocky t-shirt.
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Aside from all the fails of the evening, I did have a lot of fun hanging out with some of my friends. There was, admittedly, some grade-A bullshit that took place, but the alcohol seemed to make everything not matter as much. I'd say the Irish are on to something there.

*Lies. Although here's a smidgen of truth: I'm lazy and still hungover. Hungover blogging not so great.