Monday, March 9, 2009

What a crazy assemblence of thoughts!

I feel like smashing something today.

Okay, that's a bit of a lie. I feel like thinking about smashing things and maybe paying someone to do it for me because I am lazy. It's a mix of laziness and rage today, kiddos. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because it's Monday. Or maybe it's because I spent most of my weekend avoiding my friends for no good reason other than I'm growing increasingly more anti-social and I really, really wanted to stay in bed watching 30 Rock all weekend. On the Scale of Awesome, 1 being finding bugs in your pancake mix (after you've eaten enough to open an IHOP in your belly) and 10 being having Mr. T come to you for advice on how to be cool, I'd rate myself at an easy 4.

I don't know what it is, but I've got a mean case of the I-don't-want-to-do-anything-but-lay-in-bed-and-watch-TV-on-DVDs. It's a serious disease, okay? You can totally confirm it on WebMD.*

However, because it's generally unacceptable to spend all day in bed when you're not dying, I find myself trying to be productive. It's, um, sort of working. I do, however, have some thoughts on my mind. And since you voluntarily came here, you get to read them. Score!

1. I learned how to use the Genius feature on Rex Greyskull today. And when I say "learned how" I mean I pressed a bunch of buttons simultaneously until Rex threw a bunch of southern blues at me and told me to stop touching his buttons. Genius is the best feature ever, especially for a lazy lady like myself. Why would I do something myself when I can just have technology do it for me?

2. I spent half an hour on IMDB searching Patrick Wilson. Did you ever see the movie Hard Candy? You know, the one with Ellen Page before she started annoying the bejeezus out of everyone? The plot of the movie, for those who haven't seen it, is Ellen Page plays a teenage girl (shocker) who starts up an inappropriate relationship with the sort-of pedophile, 100% creeper Patrick Wilson. But, uh oh, things aren't what they seem and suddenly there is a fan and it is covered in shit because, damn! your mind just got blown. I don't need proper punctuation here folks. In any case, the entire time I was watching that movie I was thinking, "This is some messed up stuff, but I would totally do the guy who plays the creeper." They were very confusing, albeit totally hot, feelings.

Um, where was I? Oh yeah, I spent most of the day IMDBing P.Wils because I took in a screening of Watchmen last night and, Pat Wilsonofabitch, there he was! Which leads me to #3,

3. I came up with a one sentence review of Watchmen:

Zack Snyder needs to ease up on the slo-mo.

Listen, don't tell the fanboys, but I didn't think the movie was that terrible. My friend Dave let me borrow the graphic novel a few years ago and I was blown away. But it's no secret that Hollywood loves to take great books, change their entire content, poo on 'em a little and release it into the world. Cut, print, someone get me a martini. There's no comparison between the movie and the book; the book is so much better. That'd be like comparing a goldfish with a shark, except the shark has a rocket launcher strapped to it's back and makes you think about life and the world and how Alan Moore has more talent in his crazy old-man beard that you do in your entire body. The goldfish is the movie, the shark is the book.

However, as a movie, it was ai'ight. Zacky Boy changed the ending, took out a lot of the minor storylines that made the book so awesome and made Dr. Manhattan look like a cartoon. He also slow motioned the shit out of everything. Someone getting a roundhouse kick to the face is cool, but someone getting a roundhouse kick to the face in slow motion is cinematic gold. It's film making 101, baby diapers. Or so Zack Snyder would have you believe.

There are my thoughts for today. I feel a little less like smashing things, but still very much like being a hermit. A hermit who spends all day in sweats watching old episodes of The Office. Ah, that's the life.

*I'm assuming it's on WebMD because I refuse to go there. I'm a strict follower of the philosophy "If I don't acknowledge that there's blood coming out of my head right now, then it's not happening". I'm also a pretty avid subscriber of the "If it hurts that bad just take some Tylenol/Advil/NyQuil with vodka". Medical school, schmedical school.


  1. How'd you feel about all the glowing blue WangDangDoodle? I could have done without it.

    BUT you did get to see P.Wils naked ass! Your blog readers will thank me for adding that important fact you failed to metion!

  2. I do enjoy a naked Patrick Wilson! And boy oh boy was he naked. Sorry, I need a moment.

    Alright, I'm back. I didn't mind the blue weiner. I'm surprised that they decided to keep all the nudity in. That being said, it looked like a cartoon peen. Alls I know is I've never seen a ween that glows, except for that one time...