Holy Thursday!

Question: Which day of the week totally swooped down and rocked everyone's world?
Answer: Thursday.

Aw yeah, suck it Friday! Here comes Thursday, just trodding along totally unassuming and BLAM, pop culture goodness all over the place. Need something to watch? KAPOW, Thursday. Need something good to read? SHAZAM, Thursday. Yesterday was great for two reasons.

Reason 1: The Road by Cormac McCarthy



Okay, so I know I'm like a million years behind and everyone's already read this and even Oprah has recommended it, but Jesus. This book was more than a book. It was the most beautiful, heartbreaking thing I've ever read. It was brutal. I avoided all human contact yesterday in order to stay in my bed (that I fashioned into a fort for me and my dog, Simon). It was completley worth it. Cormac McCarthy is the master. I will never accomplish anything as amazing as Cormac McCarthy. It's a scientifically proven fact. Which leads me to add, you probably shouldn't read this book if you're depressed because you may not make it through. But barring a deep and soul crushing depression, READ THIS BOOK IMMEDIATELY. You won't regret it and if you do, then we may need to evaluate our friendship.



Reason 2: The Office



Michael: What's the #1 killer of Americans?
Dwight: Shotgun weddings.

Holy amazing, The Office was fantastic tonight. If you haven't watched it yet, I recommend you stop reading this now because I'm about to go off like a middle-aged secretary. First of all, let's discuss the best part of the show: Jim and Pam finally got engaged! I didn't think I would ever stop squealing. Man, that was amazing. Four seasons of build up and I was not disappointed. Also, I'd just like to take this moment to say that I love Kelly Kapour and Creed more than anyone on The Office. Jim and Pam are great, don't get me wrong. But Kelly steals all the scenes she's in and Creed is hilariously weird and awesome. They need to have a Kelly/Creed show and invite me on to guest star. C'mon NBC, you know you want to.

Way to rock the party, Thursday.

Northern A to the Z

This past weekend, my clan packed our bags and drove to Sedona. I had all these witty stories but I don't really feel like writing about it anymore. So, to sum up, this is everything that happened:

1. Watched Austin play football. It was awesome. Austin, who is my not so little younger cousin, cleaned up. He's #1, both literally and figuratively.

2. Ate at a Sizzler

I'm serious when I say I really did not know Sizzlers were in existence anymore. Ugh, buffets are gross unless it involves breakfast or Chinese. There were some upset tummys that evening in Sedona.

3. Drank at the hotel bar with a dozen stuffed game animals.

4. Partook in some "haunted eating" in Jerome, AZ

Now I will say this: I like haunted things. Haunted houses, hotels, inns, corn mazes and even the occasional hamgurger are all very appealing things. I am the biggest baby when I'm actually at said haunted places, but I still really like to go. So when someone mentioned the eating establishment "The Haunted Hamburger", obviously I was game. Hey, I thought. Maybe I'll see a ghost or if I'm really lucky, a zombie. Nope.

What the hell?! There were no ghosts or zombies anywhere in sight. I wasn't expecting bleeding walls or anything, but I don't think it's too much to ask for a poltergeist to throw some dishes around or my burger to moan. Especially when I realized that the H.H. has help from the DEAD AND THE UNDEAD.

Um, last I checked the undead were awesome. As far as being haunted goes, this place was not so awesome. But I'll forgive the H.H. because my veggie burger was delicious, even if it didn't contain the souls of the recently deceased. I guess I can settle for that.

Blarg, Monday

I was going to blog about the weekend in Sedona, but my computer is being a tool. More of that, the weekend not the big box of ass that is this computer, later in the week.

What a bleh sort of day! In an effort to keep the Monday's at bay (yeah, I said it), I've decided to take the cue from my favorite Stephanie and all those who came before her and make a list of reasons why I should stop being so lame and wimpy and start to be happy and awesome. Here we go:

1. The Office comes back this week



I just want to point out that the phones used in this show are the exact same phones I use at work. I point that out every episode, every time. Even if they're out of the office setting, I'm like, "Hey, just so you guys know, the phones they use are the phones I use. So, you know, it just goes to show how dedicated they are to keeping it like a real office." I'm pretty sure everyone ignores me during this show.

2. Vampire Weekend or My Morning Jacket concert


Vampire Weekend


My Morning Jacket

The radio is right up there with the list of things I hate the most, along with Tyra Banks and spelling errors. But my iPod adaptor is broken so I'm forced to listen to whatever the radio gods decide to torture me with. But last night was different. Last night I swallowed my pride and actually called into the radio station and tried to win My Morning Jacket tickets. I haven't done that since I was in 8th grade and there was a certain, not at all embarassing band that I wanted to see. I want to see My Morning Jacket more but Vampire Weekend is cheaper. See the dilemma? Maybe this'll be the week I get enough courage to go donate plasma. The building is terrifying. It's surrounded by bums and I'm pretty sure rusty needles are involved. But 50 bucks is 50 bucks.

3. New haircut



One can only hope.

Guess who does have buns of steel...?

Just got back from seeing Burn After Reading. That movie is great fun, although I'm still not 100% on what it's actually about. But Uncle Malkovich was in it. And do you know what Uncle Malkovich was doing in the movie? Guess. Go ahead, I'll give you a moment.

GILAD!! Uncle Malkovich had scenes where he was exercising to my favorite 90s workout guru. There's one scene (in the background but it still counts) where he is doing MY EXACT SAME WORKOUT TAPE. I almost peed. I highly recommend that everyone see this because a.) The Coen Brothers are involved so you're guaranteed to say "what the eff?!" at least a few times and b.) You can see the wonder that is Gilad in action.

So, in conclusion: Uncle Malkovich cemented my love for him and even the Coen Brothers recognize the big ball of spandex that is Gilad. $6 well spent, my friends, $6 well spent.

My buns, they don't feel nothin' like steel

I've been trying to spruce up my workout routine. In addition to ocassional jog or the many walks I take (read: gossiping and just so happening to be walking), I've tried to add in some DVDs to mix it up. Sometimes it's just way too hot to exercise outside. So far, I've done step aerobics and a yoga/pilates DVD that beat my ass to a pulp. So, you know, all in all good stuff. Call me a masochist, but if I'm not sweating and a Lotus position away from death, then it doesn't feel like I'm working out hard enough.

So a few weeks ago while searching through my family's movie collection, I came upon this:



Now I know what you're thinking. KV, that's a grown man wearing white spandex. I know, I know. But look how buff he is in that white spandex! His name is Gilad and he's ridiculous. I'm afraid that if I don't complete all the sets on the VHS (oh yeah, it's a VHS) that he'll use his toned arms to reach through my TV screen and inflict maximum damage.

Gilad is whipping my ass into shape! Which just goes to show you that just because a workout tape is horrendously outdated doesn't mean it can't make you ache in places you don't care to mention on a blog.

My (Fake) Family

Whoo! You know what makes the time fly by? Spending a big chunk of it learning how to use Flickr. I still feel like I'm only using about 5% of what Flickr has to offer. Lame.

But on to today's post! Everyone who knows me knows I'm all about my family. They're some of my favorite people and they're all really funny and supportive and amazing to boot. I couldn't ask for better people in my life. But, if I could ask for a new family, say a really famous family, I'd ask for the following:

Grandpa Caine

Michael Caine somehow manages to radiate both sass and general bad-assery. Like he could tell me off and I'd just wanna hug him. Plus, he seems like he'd be the type of Grandpa that has butterscotch candy in his trouser pockets. And I would tell people that he was a spy during WWII and everyone would want their own Grandpa Caine. Too bad, he's spoken for.


Poppa Gary



My love of Gary Oldman can be summed up in two words: Sirius Black.


Aunt Tina



On the scale of cool aunts, Tina Fey would be the aunt who always has gum and lets you swim in her pool. I'm talkin' an in-ground pool, not some hokey above ground pool. Aunt Tina has standards.

Uncle Malkovich



God, John Malkovich would be the best uncle. He'd be the uncle that intimidates all your friends because he drives an all black Lincoln with tinted windows. He'd let you swear and teach you how to drink. He'd secretly like you best and impart all the valuable life lessons that uncles are supposed to impart, like to stay away from boys because they only want one thing.


Mos Def, brother



This decision was based on both The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Be Kind Rewind.


Rosario Dawson, sister



I'm going to come out and say that Rosario Dawson is the best celebrity ever. She doesn't appear to be high or drunk all the time and she's nerdy and funny. All qualities of a good sister. And she'd educate me on all the best comic books, which I've been meaning to get into but am too scared to visit a comic shop.

Heidi Klum, female cousin

Second to only Rosario, Heidi Klum is my favorite female celebrity. She would tell me when my fashion choices are less than par and I would require that she say auf wiedersehen whenever we part.

The parts yet to be cast are Grandma, Mom and a male cousin. I had cast Emma Thompson as my mom and the lady who plays Professor McGonagall in Harry Potter as my grandma. But then I realized that a.) I'm not sold completley on either of those actresses and b.) I would have a very Harry Potter oriented family. I also considered casting John Krasinski as my male cousin, but I have a massive love for John Krasinski and I'm pretty positive being in love with your cousin is frowned upon.

I tend to add more people to my family the more actors I realize I like. For example, Phillip Seymour Hoffman is the distant uncle who comes out of nowhere and crashes on your couch for two weeks because he's in the middle of a genius novel but needs somewhere to re-focus and smoke pot.

I encourage you to cast your celebrity families and then tell me so I can compare and unload some of this uselss celebrity knowledge on you.

What the kids are watching

Tonight my friend Ria invited me to her house to partake in some free dinner and bad, CW related television. Naturally, I agreed.

Now, I feel like I must be completely honest. I am not against watching, and making the occasional smart ass comment about, teen dramas. Hey, I've watched my fair share of Degrassi (Canada's finest export) and One Tree Hill. Any girl who tells you they haven't watched teen dramas at one point in their life is hiding something.

The CW's Monday night line-up starts with Gossip Girl.



I've never seen this show before but I hear that people are all about it. Oh my effing God is an understatement. This show is ridiculous! Ria tried to warn me. "You're going to feel really bad about watching this." Well if that wasn't the understatement of the century. The blonde one likes the brunette guy who is brooding in an elevator and the other brunette one likes the brunette chick who is hooking up with a British guy and they all make out with each other and someone works in fashion. Check this out though, these people:



These people here are supposed to be SIXTEEN. As in 1-6. Good Christ the CW doesn't even care does it? They pluck any random hot actor from the street and call it a day. I frown upon that only because that isn't my job. But really, sixteen? Maybe the one in the blue dress but Chace Crawford over on the left has got to be at least 30.

Anywhoosie, everything you think happens on Gossip Girl happens. The plot lines are completely predictable and cheesy, but hot damn, is it entertaining. I am going to do my best to resist watching next week, but no promises.

We also watched this gem:



There was a funeral, kidnapping schemes, cougars and their young boys, basketball and everything you've come to expect (or not expect) from the OTH. I'm not even going to play, I don't have an answer as to why I still watch this. Oh wait, yes I do.


Kidnapee to Kidnapper, trying to get into the kidnapper's head: Why don't you have kids? You're young, attractive and crazy as a craphouse rat.

Voiceover during the funeral scene: Grief is like the ocean, it's deep and dark.


You know what else is deep and dark? The hole where my brain used to be.

Thanks Ria for sharing in my love of bad TV and making the best spaghetti sauce I've ever tasted.

Welp, I caved

Yeah, I know I talked some smack about blogging.

"Because nobody cares about what I'm saying," I said.
"Who has time to constantly update a blog?" I whined.
"Everyone has a blog so I'd look like a follower," I worried.
"Blogs are lame," I scoffed.

Well, guess what? I took some time to think about it (read: the longest and most boring drive in the history of moving transportation) and I was wrong. It happens. I am hereby redacting my previous blog-knocking and saying, on the record, that I am super psyched for this blog!

That being said, I don't really have any idea what I'm going to blog about. Probably random thoughts, maybe an anectode or two about my latest shenanigans. So, tell your friends and tell your friends' friends and we'll see if we can make this an enjoyable distraction from all the things you should be doing on the internet.