Smashing Good Time

Editor's Note: Today I'm taking a cue from one of my favorite blogs, Letters and Lists and writing a letter to some people who, unfortunately, are now near and not so much dear to me.


Dear Shitheads Who Stole My Purse Last Night,

Hey guys, what's up? I hope you're really enjoying the contents of my purse. It was so awesome the way you totally disregarded human decency and smashed The Boy's car window to steal my purse. Super cool of you. It actually works out well. I mean, I wouldn't have known what to do with my entire paycheck anyway. You guys really know all the good places to spend someone else's money, like Best Buy and the grocery store. I hope my 80 hours worth of work got you something really cool there, like the complete "Jackass" series or an iPod.

Oh, which reminds me, I hope you enjoy Rex Grayskull, my $300 iPod. He had like 2500 songs on him, so hopefully there's something on there that you'll like. Please excuse all the Abba and Justin Timberlake. Had I known someone would be stealing him, I would have loaded him up with Yanni and myself saying "fuck you in the face" over and over again. I in no way whatsoever hope he shorts out and electrocutes your ears. I would mention that sometimes the earbuds can indeed shock you, but I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.

Boy, you guys sure did surprise me by stealing my wallet, work badge, car keys, house keys and The Boy's camera. You must've known that I wanted to feel stupid, guilty and incredibly frustrated all at the same time. Thanks! Also, just so you know, it only took me an hour at the DMV to get a new ID. And it's only going to take me one entire work day to close my accounts, open new ones and change the locks. Can you believe it?! Only one day where I have to push everything aside to deal with this. What a steal! No pun intended, cause it's obvious you guys already know so much about steals.

So, in conclusion, I hope karma drop kicks your face sometime in the very near future. Also, enjoy my favorite ghetto gold hoops and new peppermint chapstick. I hope you get rabies.

Peace fuckers,
KV