Vital information for your everyday life.

Hello kiddos. I gotta get a new nickname for you readers. Kiddos sounds like I'm trying to entice you into my windowless van. I mean, like if you wanna come into said van and eat ice cream off my waterbed, I wouldn't say no. I digress.

Today, because I feel like oversharing, I present to you 20 things you didn't know about good ol' KV.

1. I am obsessed with my eyebrows. I pluck, comb and trim them on a daily basis. I've made my lady cousins, Mama D, one of my aunts and Garland swear that if I am ever in a coma, one of them has to come pluck my eyebrows. They can get very out of control very quickly. They're like a cobra, except hairy and on my face.

2. As far as I'm concerned, I am a deaf-mute in the bathroom. No conversations shall be had while business is being handled. Just call me Helen Keller, baby.

3. I sometimes slip into accents during regular speech time. I have been known to pepper my sentences with a Jamaican, Mexican, Matisyahu, Minnesotan or Sarah Palin accents. Sometimes, during the glorious drunken hour, all the accents will combine to form one powerful, incoherant Super Accent of Drunkeness, also known as slurring.

4. I don't like it when people are angrily shouting. I start to feel sick to my stomach. Confrontation scares the shit out of me.

5. I love being loud. I know that pretty much just cancels out what I said for #4, but it's my blog and I do what I want. I especially love it when I am with my family and the decibel level rises by 50. Put a board game in the mix and someone is going to get shouted at in drunken Spanglish.

6. I judge someone based on what movies they like. I once bailed on a date because the guy didn't know who the Coen Brothers were. Check, please.

7. I hate being in college. I feel like I'm wasting my time and money. I would quit school if I had a better idea.

8. I hate that #7 is true.

9. I would shoot myself in the face if I didn't have an iPod. I realize I'm spoiled and I'm cool with it.

10. I time most things. Almost everything that I do is counted out (for example, I won't drink milk left out for more than 10 seconds, won't wash my hands for less than 6 seconds, won't brush my teeth for longer than 2 minutes, etc). Sometimes, when I have to do an unpleasant task, I count how long it takes me to do it.

11. A cold iced tea will pacify me in almost any situation.

12. I am a comedy snob; if someone can't make me laugh and/or doesn't laugh at my jokes, I will not like that person and subsequently convince myself that they are stupid.

13. Most of the time, I honestly do not understand why people like me.

14. I know exactly who my bridesmaids would be even though I am nowhere near ready to get married.

15. I don't care so much for celebrity gossip anymore. This is heresy for my friends, I'm sure. But, listen guys, I'm starting to find Perez Hilton more irritating than anything else. I'll turn in my lady card now.

16. This should probably be called 15a or be some sort of contiuation of #15, but I love gossiping. I'm not even sorry. I don't say anything behind someone's back I wouldn't say to their face and I never spread mean or hurtful secrets. I can, however, keep my lips shut when it's important.

17. I don't really care for cake. Again, here is my lady card. Just take it.

18. It's not important to me to have biological children. The more and more I think about it, the more I'd rather adopt.

19. I fall in love with a song or album and listen to it continuously until I never want to hear it again. I try not to do this often as it will completely ruin albums/songs for me.

20. I have an unnatural urge to be an audience member during a taping of "Maury". I just want to scream at slutty underage girls or good-for-nothin' baby daddies.

So, there you go. 20 things you know about me that will help you get into my good graces. Please use them wisely and not for blackmail.