This blog post won't grant you any magical wishes.

One of the coolest feelings in life is feeling pleasantly surprised. It's the best kind of surprised to be.* It sneaks up on you, but instead of punching you in the gut, it pats your back and says, "Here you go, buddy, enjoy this little treat." Thanks, Life! I will enjoy this treat. Mmm, blueberry.

I was recently pleasantly surprised by something that, for the time being, must be kept under wraps. I'm like a mummy the way I keep my shit on lockdown. Or was it like a prison guard? A mummy prison guard? I digress.

So, because I apparently can only think in list form, here is a list of pleasant surprises I'd like to receive in the near future.

1. Clive Owen
scenario: I'm sitting at home, watching a Bridezilla marathon.

::knock on door::

KV: Clive Owen?!
Clive Owen: Oh, hey there. I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by. I thought if you weren't doing anything, we could maybe go to dinner in Paris. And then later we could get married. Also, you look awesome in those sweat pants and should wear them when I'm buying you a million dollar necklace.
KV: OKAY!
Clive Owen: Good. Let me smoulder at you while I tell you all the reasons Julia Roberts sucks.


2. $100,000 found on a street corner
scenario: I'm walking down the street and see a suitcase full of cash next to a gutter.

KV: Holy shit! $100,000! This is more money than I've ever seen at one time.
Universe: Yes, KV, yes it is. I left this here for you for all those times I was an unbelievable asshole. Use this to pay off your student loans, go to an out-of-state college and to pay all your bills and those of your family. Then, after that, take a really lavish and totally unnecessary trip to a foreign country so you can get more cultured. Also buy a hybrid car cause they're good for the environment.


3. A free neck massager
scene: Me in Sharper Image.

Salesman: Hey there, incredibly attractive lady with remarkable and frizz-free hair. How would you like a free neck massager to rid you of all your tension?
KV: Well, I don't know...
Salesman: It's made of gold and unicorn eye lashes.
KV: Sold.


4. Tucson invests in a monorail
scene: Me reading the paper.

Newspaper headline: Tucson Finally Gets Its Shit Together And Builds Monorail So People Won't Have To Take The City Bus That Always Smells Like Feet and Pee
KV: Score!


5. All the people I like in place at one time
scene: A bar in downtown Tucson.

KV: EVERYONE I LIKE IS HERE AT THE SAME TIME! Someone get me a drink.


*Other kinds of surprised include shocking ("That lady is a dude!"), tragic ("That lady is a dude."), intriguing ("That lady...is a dude?"), confusing ("That lady...is...is a...dude?"), concerned ("Brah, that lady is a dude."), frustrating ("That.Lady.Is.A.Dude.") and mild ("That lady is a dude?").