Letters

Here are some things I've been meaning to say. Because I'm girly and mushy and you want to vomit because it's so cheesy. Well, there's a bucket right over there.

Dear M and Garland,
Happy Anniversary! You two are awesome and I love you both very much. Miles is going to be adorable and no girl will ever be good enough for my nephew. I hope you enjoyed Vegas.

Dear Simon,
Thank you for being an awesome dog and even better napping partner. However, I think you need to know, you desperately need a bath.

Dear Mom and Pop,
Happy 25th Anniversary! It's really amazing to see you guys make it through 25 years and still be really and truly in love with one another. Also, thank you for not smothering M, Red or myself, although I'm sure it was very tempting at many times, like earlier this morning.

Dear Red,
When did you get funnier than me? Thank you for trying to make me better at tennis. It is going to be a sweet, sweet day when we play a real game and I spank you.

Dear NE,
You're this blog's #1 fan. If I ever write that book, you're getting an acknowledgment.

Dear Thurber,
I'm happy for you, but OREGON CAN SUCK IT. Not really, but I'm going to miss you. I'm buying a plane ticket the day you leave. Do you think one flannel shirt will be enough to suffice? Should I buy Birkenstocks?

Dear Poppa J,
I'm glad we're cool again. Nobody else would ever put up with my daily "The Office" or "Waterboy" quotes. "Wake her ass up, we gotta win tomorrow!"

Dear Pickle,
You are an adorable cat. Why did you run away from me today? I LOVE YOU.

Dear Nikki,
Way to stick it out in school. I'm proud of you and you deserve to be happy regardless of what you're doing. I'm glad we're back to being cool too.

Dear Deezy,
You are like the coolest chick on the planet. Thanks for always giving good advice even though I openly and proudly admit to loving Justin Timberlake.

Dear Twitter,
You are more addicting than crack with much less pock marks and missing teeth.

Dear Hair,
Thanks for finally being awesome and not obnoxious.

Dear U of A Hat,
Thanks for keeping that asshole Hair in place.

Dear Boy Who I've Been Hanging Out With Recently,
The more I hang out with you, the more unbelievably awesome you become. Kudos.

Dear Dave,
YOU ARE GOING TO BE FAMOUS AND IT IS GOING TO RULE. You truly are one of my favorite people and I'm glad we met in our crazy little high school.

Dear Alison,
Why don't you hang out with us anymore?! I miss your face.

Dear Living Room,
Stop being so effing cold. A scarf doesn't really go with this outfit.

Dear Lama,
Come to Tucson immediately so we can hang out because I also miss your face.

Dear Robert Smith,
Please cool it with the lipstick. Seriously, it's weirding everyone out.

That's all for today, guys. Happy Friday!