Please don't be so passive, be aggressive.

I have no clever way to start this because, well, I don't particularly care for being clever at the moment. Why's that? Because my brain is so full of rage that I can barely see straight.

Without naming names or specific incidents, I'd like to formally call bullshit. I'm calling bullshit on toxic and lame people. I'm calling bullshit on situations that I can change, but for whatever reason choose not to. I'm calling bullshit on all the things that make me want to surrender and go home.

"You never stick up for yourself," is what I heard on the other end of the phone. At the time, I was prepared to call bullshit on that too. But, as it turns out, it's true, and that makes me angrier than I could ever express. I don't stand up for myself because I'm so terrified of rocking the boat that it just doesn't seem worth it. I can stand up for my friends and family, but I can't do that for myself. I hate that. I'll let myself get beat up by friends, family and co-workers because, hey, they need to vent and the world could always use another martyr and I can handle it. That's what I tell myself; they get to be assholes because they need to let it out and I'm strong enough to handle it without taking it personally.

Well, I'm not going to stop doing that. I love my friends and family enough that I understand that sometimes, you just gotta let your inner dickhead have a go at the world and that occasionally that takes place all over your friends and family. But what I will stop doing is wearing myself out over friends and family who just don't deserve it. That might sound like an asshole thing to say, but I really don't give a shit. Maybe I am an asshole after all. An asshole with a broken heart who is tired of repairing the same wounds over and over again.

When asked what I wanted to do today, my answer was nothing. I don't want to do anything today because I'm too worn out. It bothers me that some very recent bullshit completely overshadowed some pretty fantastic events. What can I say? Hurt lasts longer than love and, baby, I got a lot of hurt today.