As an informed, intelligent young woman, I often start my day out by reading the paper. Keeping up on current events is imporant, you know. But I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The entire time I'm scanning the latest headlines, all I'm thinking about is how many more sections I have to read before I get to the horoscopes. So my eyes may be reading "Robbery on South 6th Early Tuesday Morning" but my brain is wondering what gem of a prediction is waiting for me just six pages away.
My favorite place to read my horoscope is in the local paper, the Tucson Weekly. Most of the times they're pretty good. I should say that most of me just reads my horoscope for fun. I need something amusing me every second of every day or I'll collapse of boredom. True story. But there's a teensy, tiny, itty bitty little part of me that is just looking for some guidance. That itsy bitsy part of me reads the horoscope and thinks, "Wow, this free, weekly, liberal paper really gets me. This must be the Universe's way of telling me to get my shit together." Well, that little part of me that was so optimistic and believing just shrunk a little bit today.
Per the Tucson Weekly:
Cancer (June 21- July 22)
Dolphins love erotic play, according to the book "Dolphin Chronicles". For almost a third of their waking life, they caress and touch each other. They're ingenious about using their Frisbees, plastic boats and rubber balls as sex toys. Gender isn't much of an issue. There's as much same-sex as opposite-sex cavorting. If you'd like to place yourself in alignment with cosmic rhythms, Cancerian, you will consider taking a page from the dolphin "Kama Sutra" in the coming days. Remember, the key for them is simply to play freely without any specific goal. Bliss comes as much from experimenting with creative intimacy as from diving toward orgasm.
Uh huh, great. So does this mean I need to take a trip to Sea World? Should I buy a plastic boat and see what "adventures" I can set sail with? Or is this horoscope telling me it's time to just straight up get freaky with anything that moves? Cause I'm not going to lie, it'd be really cool to have a plastic boat. Not for canoodling purposes, but just to show off. I think that's what I'm choosing to take out of this week's horoscope. Dolphins around the world are humping and rubbing and I'm in Arizona playing with my plastic boat. Awesome.
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Do you think it's possible that someone trying to get into your pantelones is setting you up thinking you'll jump his bones based on the planets (and evidently the sea) . . . hmmm.
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