If I only had a brain

Today at work, someone called and asked for directions on how to get to our building. I'll admit it; our building is kind of difficult to find if you're not from Tucson. The freeway is a mess of orange tape and rubble and hasn't been open in years. It's like the apocalypse happened only on this little strech of freeway. If you're coming from Phoenix and looking for our building, it's not going to be an easy quest. Many people don't survive the journey. But you know what's interesting about people: most of them can take directions. If I say, "Head east down Broadway towards the grey building" most folks will know what that means. Most folks, but not the dumb girl who inspired today's post.

Dumb Girl called a bunch of times looking for our building. I said head east down Broadway and she heard "find a hotel parking lot". I said turn around and head south towards the Art Museum and she heard "find a Baggins". She's dumb and passive aggressive.

"There's no grey buildings. You said you were in a grey building," she says.

Lady, we're the only grey building. Downtown looks like it was painted by a six-year-old on a sugar high with a new box of Crayolas. We're the drab looking one on the left. The only building left uncolored in a sea of bright pinks, beighes, magentas, blues and, fuck, every color except grey.

"Wait, is it the one with windows?" she asks.

Yep. We're the only building in the entire city to have windows. It's a recent development, something the rest of the city hasn't caught onto yet.

God, Dumb Girl really gives a new meaning to dumb. Finally she gets here and looks exactly how I imagined her. She's wearing a shirt that doesn't fit right and is way too low cut for an office environment. And not that I looked (note: I totally looked), but her chest blossoms were nothing to write home about. If you're going to pull out the girls to give yourself an extra advantage, then at least have something to show. It was a lot of hype for nothing, much like college and my first kiss (zing!).

Her skirt also was revealing a bit too much, like say, glitter body lotion. How on earth is glitter body lotion appropriate for a sales pitch or job interview or whatever the fuck she's here for? That means that wherever she sits, there's going to be a greasy, glittery residue left behind. Which means that whoever sits in the chair after her is going to be covered in second-hand glitter and the cycle will just continue until we're all covered in stripper glitter. I don't want to be covered in stripper glitter. Not again.

I hate Dumb Girl with every fiber of my being for no other reason than she's a moron. I might be a bitch, but at least I know how to dress appropriately for my job and follow directions. Which reminds me, she even printed something from Google maps to find out how to get here. Google maps knows everything. I could type in "my purpose in life" and then click the "get directions" button and Google would direct me to my purpose in life using clear, concise language and a map for easy viewing. Come to think of it, that might be easier than actually doing all this soul searching.

I've compiled a list of things Dumb Girl could get directions to on Google maps:

- A brain
- A properly fitting shirt
- Victoria's Secret (if you're going to be a slut, at least own a good push-up bra)
- A shower
- On-coming traffic
- A better handshake. Pussy!
- Conversational skills. I can hear the meeting and she's bombing. I don't mean that in the sense that she's awesome, I mean that in the sense that she's dropping out of the sky like a destroyed fighter plane. War analogies are always appropriate. You don't know.