Prime and Commiting Crimes

About a month ago, I made a choice to take a late start math class.

I know, I thought. I'll get a jump ahead for the spring semester.

Guess what? It was the wrong choice. When I get ideas to shortcut it with subjects like math, I forget that I'm not good at math. In fact, one could argue that I'm terrible at math. I am to math what fire is to wood: a bad idea.

In high school, I would doodle all over my math notes when I no longer felt like paying attention. I guess I should specify that math is difficult for me because I don't care about it. It's not that I'm stupid, it's that I'm lazy. I'm lazy and I couldn't care less about factoring and real and imaginary numbers. Last I checked, I was able to survive 21 years without knowing the quadratic formula and as soon as I pass this class, it'll fade back into oblivion just like all the other useless knowledge I've accumulated. I'm looking at you, lyrics to every Will Smith song and that animal sexual behavior class I took that one time.

I thought I was past my doodling phase. I've taught myself write down the notes, bite the bullet and just get past college algebra. But tonight showed me some things never change.



In case you're wondering, yes, that is two prime numbers in their number-mobile running me over. That's what sitting in a math lecture for three hours makes me feel like on the inside.

Is it time for turkey yet?

This immune system isn't big enough for the both of us

This is a picture of a healthy, well-functioning cell (the yellow guy) eating and beating the shit out of some anthrax (that poor orange bastard):


This is what your immune system should do. It should attack disease and sickness like an old west outlaw. My immune system should be like the rough and grizzled sheriff that everyone is afraid of. And disease should be like the new, headstrong but foolish outlaw. Sure, Disease may have claimed the cells of helpless immune systems a couple towns away, but he's too silly to realize this was one immune system he should have left alone. This is one immune system that's tired of running from fugitive deases and renegade illnesses. This is one immune system that's not afraid to fight back.

But, seeing as I'm sick for what is literally the tenth time this year, I imagine my immune system is a little more like this:






Really, immune system? You were fooled by a fake glasses/mustace combo AGAIN? I'm going to die by contracting the common household variety cold. And at my funeral people will be like, "Wait how'd she die again? Wasn't it something cool like a zombie bite or falling 200 feet from a cliff face or being smushed to death by a monster truck?" And my loved ones will have to respond, "No. She caught a cold one too many times." There will be shame in their voices and shame upon my family. You mark my words.