This blog post won't grant you any magical wishes.

One of the coolest feelings in life is feeling pleasantly surprised. It's the best kind of surprised to be.* It sneaks up on you, but instead of punching you in the gut, it pats your back and says, "Here you go, buddy, enjoy this little treat." Thanks, Life! I will enjoy this treat. Mmm, blueberry.

I was recently pleasantly surprised by something that, for the time being, must be kept under wraps. I'm like a mummy the way I keep my shit on lockdown. Or was it like a prison guard? A mummy prison guard? I digress.

So, because I apparently can only think in list form, here is a list of pleasant surprises I'd like to receive in the near future.

1. Clive Owen
scenario: I'm sitting at home, watching a Bridezilla marathon.

::knock on door::

KV: Clive Owen?!
Clive Owen: Oh, hey there. I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by. I thought if you weren't doing anything, we could maybe go to dinner in Paris. And then later we could get married. Also, you look awesome in those sweat pants and should wear them when I'm buying you a million dollar necklace.
KV: OKAY!
Clive Owen: Good. Let me smoulder at you while I tell you all the reasons Julia Roberts sucks.


2. $100,000 found on a street corner
scenario: I'm walking down the street and see a suitcase full of cash next to a gutter.

KV: Holy shit! $100,000! This is more money than I've ever seen at one time.
Universe: Yes, KV, yes it is. I left this here for you for all those times I was an unbelievable asshole. Use this to pay off your student loans, go to an out-of-state college and to pay all your bills and those of your family. Then, after that, take a really lavish and totally unnecessary trip to a foreign country so you can get more cultured. Also buy a hybrid car cause they're good for the environment.


3. A free neck massager
scene: Me in Sharper Image.

Salesman: Hey there, incredibly attractive lady with remarkable and frizz-free hair. How would you like a free neck massager to rid you of all your tension?
KV: Well, I don't know...
Salesman: It's made of gold and unicorn eye lashes.
KV: Sold.


4. Tucson invests in a monorail
scene: Me reading the paper.

Newspaper headline: Tucson Finally Gets Its Shit Together And Builds Monorail So People Won't Have To Take The City Bus That Always Smells Like Feet and Pee
KV: Score!


5. All the people I like in place at one time
scene: A bar in downtown Tucson.

KV: EVERYONE I LIKE IS HERE AT THE SAME TIME! Someone get me a drink.


*Other kinds of surprised include shocking ("That lady is a dude!"), tragic ("That lady is a dude."), intriguing ("That lady...is a dude?"), confusing ("That lady...is...is a...dude?"), concerned ("Brah, that lady is a dude."), frustrating ("That.Lady.Is.A.Dude.") and mild ("That lady is a dude?").

Internationally Smokin'!

A couple days ago, a friend of mine hooked it up and got me advanced screening tickets to see The International.




At first, I had no idea what my friend was talking about. He said, "I got you tickets to see The International," and I was like, The Inter-who's that now? Is this a foreign film?

Nope. Turns out, it's a movie starring my husband Clive Owen. The trailer made it seem like it was kind of, maybe, a little bit alright. Look, I'm just going to shoot you straight here: it looked awful. Like it had a serious Bourne Identity complex. But, it has Clive Owen and it's important to support your fake celebrity spouses in whatever endeavors they take on. Otherwise they'll leave you for "real women" who don't "stalk their houses" at "all hours".*

Here is my official take on the movie: it blew. I don't really even know what it was about. Something about banks and missiles and the Israeli government. I can't be totally sure because I was distracted by this the entire time:





You guys, I don't think there was one scene where he didn't have dirt on his face. Not. One. And it was glorious. The movie takes place internationally (I totally didn't see that coming!) at all these gorgeous places. I suppose the reasoning for this was to advance the so-called story, but all I kept thinking was, "I would do Clive Owen in Milan. I would also do Clive Owen in Istanbul, and Paris, and, good god yes in New York." I'm pretty sure that's what the filmmakers would have wanted me to think.

So, to sum up, if you're interested in well-crafted and thought out storytelling, don't see this. Don't even see the movie playing in the room next to this. It's that bad.

But if you're going specifically for ogling purposes, you won't be disappointed.


*Allegedly, of course.

I'd tap that like Riverdance

The other night I went out with some friends to a bar and we got to playing a little game. I don't know the official, clever name, but for all intents and purposes it was who would you date, do and marry. We wracked our brains (not an easy task after consuming cheap beer) thinking of the best celebrties to date, marry and get freaky with. After much internal debate, my three finalists were these guys:

Do- Ben Foster


Date- John Krasinski


Marry- Duh



My date and marry options generally went unopposed. But there has been some issue with my do, the gorgeous and, I imagine, completely edible Ben Foster. Take another scroll back up there. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Done? Yeah, he's stunning. Really, really, ridiculously good looking. I have been given shit about loving my he-mistress Ben. I get why people may sneer; he is dirty in everything he has ever been in. In some things, I would go so far as to describe his characters as, er, crusty. But he looks good all the while! ALL THE WHILE I SAY.

Thus, to all my nay-sayers, eat it. I don't care what you say. I've had my share of weird, celebrity crushes that don't make sense but Mr. Foster is not one of them.

Who is, you ask?

Jason Lee

Yes, the Jason Lee from My Name is Earl. I don't know what it is, but I see him with the mustache and southern accent and I'm hooked on whatever he's saying. Another reason I probably should never visit the south. Or date anyone with a van.


Jason Segal

Now, I'm not saying I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother and thought, "Hey, that guy is kind of cute." I'm also not admitting that I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall and thought, "Wow, that's quite a soldier you're givin' orders to below the belt." But I will say that if I ever saw Jason Segal walking down the street, I may or may not throw panties. What? They'd be nice panties.


Stephen Colbert

I have this friend who once said she thought Stephen Colbert was cute. I scoffed. I sneered. I said, "You are incorrect, madame," and then pointed to another friend and said, "Check out this one over here who thinks Stephen Colbert is do-able. Square alert!" Well, I came home and I took a long look at myself in the mirror. Then I went to IMDB and did some Colbert searching. And I'll be damned, she has a point.

Let's all be honest, we have all have weird celebrity crushes. Now that I've shared mine, I would like to hear the celebrities who get you all hot and flustered. C'mon, don't be shy. It's only a public forum that anyone could see at anytime.

Hot Damn

I'm telling you, it's like I woke up this morning covered in sunshine. And instead of stress and insecurity, I'm surrounded by puppies and rainbows and cake. I'm talking like the most adorable puppies you've ever seen playing on a rainbow made out of cake. It's been a super splendid morning and there's absolutely no reason for it.

I also would like to point out that I think I have a new celeb crush.



Ladies and gents, Mr. Ben Foster. You may have seen his adorable face covered up with yuck in 30 Days of Night or wearing chaps in 3:10 to Yuma.

For those of you concerned, my fake husband Clive Owen is still around. But he's okay with Ben Foster being in the picture now. Clive is confident like that.