In A Nutshell

Things have been hectic. Not in a bad way, mind you, but there are times when it feels like the earth is spinning way too fast and I can't seem to catch up. This morning I was a little late to work and felt really rushed. I had so much on my plate. Install my new computer, file months worth of neglected files, work on a project I'd been putting off. Catching up was the name of the game.

I started to unload some of the contents of my purse that I brought specifically for work. Some snacks, a book, chapstick, things like that. I looked at the way I had laid them out and realized that these few things could represent what my life has been about for the past few days.



The new year is a great jumping off point for dieters. Well, it would be, but I'm not a dieter. I eat whatever I want, just in limited amounts. I've been trying to watch what I shove into my mouth* so I can keep myself on track. Watching what I eat is important to me, almost as important as say, oh, zombies.

I think I've made it pretty clear how I feel about the undead. Sure, zombies are fascinating (as is this book), but it's not just them I'm fascinated with. I love the idea of being able to say peace out to the real world and focus on whatever I want to. Be it zombies or the awesome DVDs that were bestowed upon me by "Santa", I've been enjoying being able to check out from real life whenever I feel like it. I won't be able to do that once school starts (barf), but until then, I plan on escaping into the zombie apocalypse, the world of Rocky Balboa or Scranton, Pennsylvania as often as I can. That is, when I'm not mini-trampolining.** Because let's face it, sometimes made up worlds are way better than the one I live in. Take that, Earth.


*Yes, that IS what she said. I heard it with my own ears. She's such a pervert.
**Sweet God, mini-trampolining is the best exercise ever! More tomorrow.

Never Too Late for 2008

It's only 5 days into 2009 and I don't think it's too late for a holiday update. Even though the holidays are so 2008. Well guess what? I don't follow the general principal of time. I make my own time. That was one of my resolutions in 2009, to make my own time. So now that it's 17:0x o'clock, it's time for a semi-late to the party 2008 in review.

Holiday 1: Christmas

Christmas was amazing...amazingly cold! When it snows in New Mexico, Mother Nature doesn't mess around. She's like, "You stole my land and, y'know what, eff that. Eat snow, ya bastards!" It was freezing. I stepped off the plane and looked a lot like this:


You better believe I was NOT doing lunges. It was so cold, I'm not even positive I could feel my legs.

But I'll tell you something: nothing gets rid of the coldies then some chili. If it's one thing New Mexico knows, it's chili. I had chili with posole, chili with tamales, and I can't be sure, but I may have chased a shot of tequila with a spoonful of yummy, delicious chili. My eating plan went to hell in a handbasket (full of chili).

The highlight of the trip was when my parents took us to Santa Fe. They went to college there and just wanted to show us around. Santa Fe is awesome. It has all these galleries everywhere and everything smells like, well, you know.*

However, if there's one gripe I have with New Mexico, it's the fact that we saw these creepy bronze statues hangin' around. Some were kids, some were animals, and a couple were bears. Now let me say this-- bears scare the shit out of me. I am terrified of them. I don't like statues, paintings or any other sort of bear replicas, but I'm not afraid of them. I'm uncomfortable around them because of what they represent: 600lbs of rage covered in fur. Bears will rip your face off and eat your legs all because you just so happened to walk within 200 feet of their cubs. I didn't see your name written on this forest, you selfish ass bear. It's not like you can outrun them either. They're freakishly fast for being fatties. You can't out climb them or out swim them either because, oh yeah, THEY'RE FREAKISHLY FAST FOR BEING SUCH FATTY McFATTERSONS. It's astonishing and really quite terrifying.

Of course, my family was thoroughly amused and fascinated by these statues. So much so, there was posing involved.









And then this happened:

Family: Look, KV, a bear! Go stand by it.
KV: No.
Family: C'mon! It's not a real bear.
KV: I hate it anyway.
Family: Go on. Pretend like you're punching it in the head.
KV: What?! No.
Family: C'mon. We'll take a picture and it'll be funny.
KV:...Fine.




Holiday 2: New Years Eve and New Years Day
Since this was the first year I was legally able to go out and make a fool of myself, I decided to take advantage. And take advantage I did!


Myself, Garland and Cris, Garland's sister


Cousin Noodle and her gentleman friend


Cris, her fiance B, Beezy and her boyfriend R.A.


Noodle was not impressed with my booth dancing. She must not have been using her eyes.


M and Garland


Who likes to rock the party? I like to rock the party!

Now, dear reader, I'd like to tell you about the songs I danced to and the jokes I told. But honestly, I don't remember a lot of the night. I suffered from a common ailment called "selective memory" or what some people like to ruin and call "blacking out". Here's what I do recall. Dancing was involved, as was alcohol and sequins. Bad decisions and laughing were also involved, the latter mostly being at my expense. But y'know what? I had a blast. Not just a regular blast, but a rocket flying, bomb exploding blast. If there's one thing I regret, it's drunk dialing everyone in my phonebook, including Directory Assistance. Oh Directory Assistance, you always take my calls.


Holiday 3: 1st Wedding of 2009
Alright, I realize this isn't a real holiday. But this is my blog and I'll write about what I please! This past Saturday, my cousin Bride got married. I love going to family parties because my family is awesome and on most occasions, alcohol is served. After spending most of New Years Day cuddled in bed watching The Office and my new copy of Rocky Balboa, I vowed that I would stay away from the liquor. Then I heard about this magical place at the wedding reception called "Open Bar". Oh, and what a magical place it was. I had fairy sparkled drinks like prickly pear magaritas, Washington Sour Apples, tequila shots, Negra Modelos, Fat Tires, sips of dirty martinis and the most delicious/disgusting shot called a peanut butter and jelly.

An after effect of hanging out Open Bar was my dancing abilities improved ten fold. I put Tina Turner to shame the way I rolled down the river on that dance floor. This was your dance area? Sorry, I own it now. Oh, what? You're going to play "Cotton Eyed Joe" in an attempt to get all the brown people to clear the area? Psych! You didn't realize I knew how to throw my hat into a ho down. It was amazing.


The always awesome lady cousins.


Nothing beats being fancy and drinking.


Me and Mama D


The scary ones, Poppa D and Armando


The lookers in the family.


The end of 2008 turned out to be a whirlwind of fun. I had so much fun with my friends and family. I am choosing to believe that all the fun I've had in the past few weeks is an indicator of what 2009 is and should be.

So, here's to 2009. It's going to be fine.**


*Hint: CHILI.
**Another one of my resolutions is to rhyme more. I think it's working out really well so far.

Quick (Bor-ing!) Update

Hey, remember when I said that I'd be back sometime this week? Well, that was a lie. I'm not back. In fact, this isn't even me. It's a ghost writer named, uh, Urgle Grue?

It's been a successful holiday, for the most part. I have a ton to write about and lots of pictures to post. Christmas in New Mexico was definitely a lot different than Christmases spent in Arizona. For starters, it was freezing! Oh, and there was some sort of white business all over that I heard the natives refer to as "snow". I don't know that word but I'm told that's what it's called. One cousin even told me you could eat it. Um, what? Crazy New Mexicans.

I'm heading up to Phoenix for New Years to spend it with some of the best, if not the most awesome, people I know. It should make for some good times. I'll post more about it next week. For realsies this time.

What a Wally-World

Who was I kidding? We all know that being the only one working on Christmas Eve equals blogging.

After receiving a basket of ass from the Universe yesterday (no really, you didn't have to Universe. This doesn't come with a gift receipt? *sigh* Of course it doesn't), I have to go to Wal-Mart to get my tire fixed. What happened to my tire, you ask? Fuck if I know, I'm not a scientist. Alls I know is I was walking to my car yesterday feeling pre-eetty sorry for myself when I noticed my tire was flat. FLAT. Whys it gotta be like that, Universe?

But don't worry, my five faithful readers, my writing here today is evidence that I did indeed live through the Seriously, A Flat Fucking Tire Are You Kidding Me?! Fiasco Of 2008. It'll be one for the history books, but at least I can tell my kids that I was there and I only sort of panicked before calling every person I knew to ask for help. This is exactly why I should listen when my dad is trying to teach me to change a tire instead of making jokes. Stupid comedy.

I digress. As a result of the aforementioned S,A.F.F.T.A.Y.K.M?!F.O.08, I have to go to Wal-Mart to get a patch put on my tire. That's right. Wal-Mart. On Christmas Eve. Wait, let me rephrase that. I mean I have to go to the bowels of Hell on what should a holy evening before a holy day. Wal-Mart is a terrible place under normal circumstances. But under Christmas related circumstances? I am honestly afraid for my life.

But y'know, thanks to the Great Cheering Up Efforts of The Evening Of December 23rd, I'm not in a bad mood about it. Yeah, it blows, but by the end of the day I'll be with my friends drinking and watching Christmas movies. And tomorrow by 10 a.m. I'll be in New Mexico with my family, drinking some more and playing in the snow.

All in all, I guess it could be worse. Wish me and Luna* luck today as we try to make it to Wal-Mart by 5 without being murdered and/or murdering others. Amen.

*My Corolla was originally named Sky Masterson (from Guys and Dolls) because it was smooth on the road, much like Sky was smooth with the ladies, and one good looking hunk of metal, again, much like Sky except for the whole being metal part. However, after much consideration, Sky Masterson has been re-christened Luna "White Stallion" Lovegood, or Luna for short. My first car was named Neville because, like Neville Longbottom from Harry Potter, it didn't really serve any purpose but I loved it anyway. Luna (the car) has a light complexion and I imagine would talk in a light, high pitched voice similar to the actress who plays Luna (the person) in the Harry Potter films.**

**I take my car naming seriously, thank you very much.***

***No, I'm not in therapy. Why do you ask?

Year Round Dickery

It's been a rough morning. It all started at 2 a.m. I slept on the couch last night because I was alone. My family is in New Mexico for Christmas and when they're not home, the house feels too big. The couch seemed like the only welcoming place. My dog spent half an hour barking at the front door, something both irritating and kind of creepy. I woke up when my alarm went off with a crick in my neck and a dog on my back.

Then, in a rush to find an umbrella and make it into work without being late, I locked myself out of the house. And since I am a certified genius (I won a grant and everything) and keep my house and car keys on the same keychain, I realized that I was a.) royally fucked and b.) locked out of the house...in the rain...without an umbrella...with a mean case of the frizzies. Someone cue the violins.

After a knight in shining armor showed up in The Black Egg (thanks again, M!), it was off to work where things were a little hectic. Nothing I haven't handled before, but I couldn't shake off the crappy bits of the morning and I felt kind of bleh in general.

By 10:30 or so, things were looking up. Work had quieted down and I was starting to unwind. Then a guy came in. He was scruffy looking with a red beard and fogged glasses. He was tense and annoyed the second he came through the door.

"I need a permit," Red Beard grunted. His voice was gruff and he slapped down an envelope on the desk. He's not here to fuck around. I understand that, nobody wants to waste time doing unpleasant errands. But if you needed a permit by the end of the year, maybe coming in December Motherfucking 23rd wasn't the best idea.

Of course, because the Universe has a sense of humor, we don't have the permit he needs. In fact, he's at the wrong place entirely. The only place he can get the type of permit he needs is in Phoenix. Great. I let Red Beard in on the bad news.

"You people keep giving me the run around!" he bellowed. "I'm not going to Phoenix when you should have what I need here." I've dealt with assholes before, this guy should be no different.

"I'm sorry sir," I said. "We don't issue those permits here because that piece of land isn't part of our property. I can give you the Phoenix number if you'd like."

"I'd like to tell you where you can take this whole damn state," he said. Deep breaths, I tell myself. I smiled him, trying my best to remain courteous.

"You're ridiculous," Red Beard growled at me. He picked up his envelope and stormed out.

Fucking prick, I think. A guy from down the hall, who heard the whole exchange, walked up to me.

"What happened?" he asked.

"We didn't have what he was looking for," I said. I could feel my face start to get red and tears began to well up. It wasn't just Red Beard. Everything shitty about the past few days and the morning that preceded it had finally caught up to me. Being alone in a house that's too big, trying to accomplish goals that seem unattainable, feeling grossly inadequate about everything in my life. Everything I'd been successfully avoiding for the past couple weeks found me the second Red Beard walked out the door and took my confidence with him.

"Hey," the guy from down the hall said. "If someone is ever acting like that, my office is only a few doors down."

"Yeah, I've dealt with people like that before," I say. Christ, I can't believe I'm about to cry at work. "It just takes me a minute to process it. I mean, it's Christmas, the time of year people are supposed to be on their best behavior."

"Don't worry about it," the guy says with a shrug. "Some people are dicks year round."

I laugh. Can't argue with that.

Also, I think this may be the last post before Christmas. I'm leaving Thursday to New Mexico to join the rest of the familia, so I'll be on Christmas Vacation* until sometime next week.

Happy Christmas, all.


*Sans Chevy Chase, of course.

Think About It, Hollywood

Holy God, it's freezing in my office! I just spent the last five minutes in the bathroom washing my hands because the water that comes out of the faucet is warm. Sweet, warm bathroom water.

Seriously, this is ridiculous. I realize it's Christmas week and nobody gives a shit, but it'd be really nice if I could make it to Thursday without getting frostbite or hearing Morgan Freeman narrate March of the Penguins because it's so cold there's actual penguins in here. In fact, I propose that someone make March of the Penguins 2 and film it in my office. Real people, real setting. I even made up a poster* for your consideration, Hollywood:


"I wish I could tell you it wasn't so cold in that office and that KV fought the good fight and the cold just let her be. I wish I could tell you that- but the office is no fairy-tale world."

Just sayin'. You could film it guerrilla style and pay myself and my co-workers to act in it. Although you'd probably have to haul in some penguins and maybe some snow. And Morgan Freeman. And probably a script. But other than that, I think it's a pretty solid idea.

*I think it would be in my best interest to learn Photoshop. Don't get me wrong-- Microsoft Paint is awesome. But to take my time wasting skills to the next level, I think I may need to learn how to alter photos and paste someones head on a body that's not theirs like the pros.

Watching Movies and Knit

It's a Saturday night. Are you doing one or more of the following:

• Knitting?
• Watching The Departed?
• Drinking a margarita flavored wine cooler because you couldn't find actual wine?
• Wearing sweat pants at 8 p.m.?
• Popping Tylenol and Ibuprofen because your back hurts?
• Convinced your hands have the arthritis?
• Wondering if 8:15 is too early to go to bed?
• Telling your dog not to judge you?

If you answered no, congratulations. You're probably a normal, outgoing twentysomething. If you answered yes to any of the above, consider one more question:

• Are you an old woman?

If you answered yes, then you and I are in the same boat. Now can someone please make me some tea? My bones are cold.